a new truth

While in Odessa, Volodya mentioned to me that one of Natasha’s friends was interested in coming over to talk with Zoe and I. A few years ago, she became pregnant. She wanted to have the baby but her husband didn’t. He forced her to have an abortion and now she has internal medical problems. She feels very angry and sad and wants to ask us why God would let something like that happen.

An overwhelming wave of empathy washed over me when Volodya mentioned this to me and my eyes filled with tears. He continued talking about something else but my mind had come to a screeching stop. I couldn’t stop feeling deep sadness for that woman. I also felt completely inadequate to help her. There are libraries of books written about why bad things happening to good people and I’ve never read even one! I didn’t even take the class at Graceland called, “Suffering and Meaning.”

This probably seems ridiculous but I thought about that woman for days. My heart felt such sadness for her situation and feelings of anger and anguish. I also was bothered by the question she wanted to ask us. Why would God let something like that happen? My immediate response is another question: “Why does everything that happens have to be attributed or blamed on God or whatever?” I have found peace in understanding there are many things that I won’t ever be able to know or explain. But what do I say to this woman?

When I was running up and down the stairs for exercise a few days ago, I thought about her again for maybe the thousandth time and then began to realize a new truth. It sent goosebumps up and down my arms.

What if I move that woman’s question into the “unanswerable questions” pile and ask better questions like: What has this experience made her feel and what do those feelings say about her? She feels angry and hurt, why? Maybe she deeply values human life, even if that life is unborn. Maybe she was looking forward to loving and caring for a child and is sad about no longer getting that chance. Maybe she values her own freedom and liberty to make choices about her own body. If these things are the case, then she knows something new about herself.

The next step is for her to live in a way that exemplifies those newly recognized aspects of herself. Maybe she could volunteer at a school, babysit regularly for a friend or adopt a child, not to replace the one she lost but to recognize the fact that she feels the desire to love a child or children. Maybe she has wanted to get her hair cut short for a while but hasn’t because her husband likes it long. She should get her hair cut, not to anger him or get revenge but just to exercise her own freedom to make choices about her body.

Sometimes when bad things happen, we hit a roadblock and stop at the place filled with the angry asking of unanswerable questions. Instead, I think it would be better to examine the situation and our feelings, learn all that we can about ourselves, life, and other people and then move on. It feels better to learn, grow, and move than be stuck in the same place, with the same awful feelings and the same questions that don’t have answers.

The truth is, I’m not a psychologist and I don’t really know what she was feeling or why. She has to figure those things out herself. Also, I realize that this is a really wordy, intellectual answer to her question and sometimes people just need you to cry with them or feel for them. Demonstrated compassion and empathy sometimes help more than words do.

We left Odessa without having ever met that woman. The conversation never actualized. The hours I spent thinking about her and how to respond to one of her life experiences weren’t wasted though. I realized a new truth and I’m sharing it with other people.

I used to be afraid to share my truths. I didn’t want to offend anyone or be embarrassed if I discovered a new truth that trumped my old one. Now I don’t want to hide what I believe and I don’t mind being wrong. Peace blooms more plentifully in my heart this way.