About nine months ago I was sexually assaulted. I was at a Halloween party with 8 of my close friends, all of whom I had known since my freshman year at Graceland and a few even longer than that. The party was at my brother’s apartment and it was a lot of fun: a bunch of friends, talking, laughing, eating and playing a few games together. I had a few drinks but quit by 9pm, it was only my second time drinking and I wasn’t interested in a hangover. Growing up, I was taught that drinking was bad. At some point I didn’t believe that anymore, but I still never tried alcohol; maybe because I wasn’t supposed to for my job as HP or maybe because I was scared. When I did try it, my previous thoughts were confirmed. Alcohol isn’t inherently evil. When abused it can cause really bad things but drinking it occasionally and not getting out of control doesn’t make me or anyone a bad person.

Anyways, a few people started falling asleep around midnight, others around 1am but I was up until 2 talking with a guy who seemed to kind of distant from the group all night. He had a girlfriend who wasn’t there and he missed her a lot. I asked him questions about her, their relationship, when he would get to see her next and we had a really good conversation. I had just recently broken up with my boyfriend of two years so I told him a little about how hard it was.

While we talked, he was lying on the floor and I was on my brother’s giant queen-size bed. When I started falling asleep, I told him there was more than enough room for him if he didn’t want to sleep on the floor. He agreed that it would be more comfortable, got up and laid on the other side of the bed. I was lying on my side, facing away from him and after a little bit, he moved over and held me in his arms from behind. He had mentioned, when we were talking, that what he missed most about his girlfriend was holding her while she slept. I had this thought, “I’m not attracted to this guy at all but I do love him as a friend and I can do this loving thing for him.” I think a sad, lonely part of myself wanted to be held too.

I fell into a fairly restless sleep. It felt like every two minutes he would move a little bit and I couldn’t get any solid sleep until finally, I did. I zonked out for who knows how long until I woke up gradually and when I realized what was happening, I was stricken and it felt like me heart stopped beating in my chest. I was lying on my back and his hand was between my legs. A million thoughts rushed into my mind in the space of one second, like, “Why is this happening? What should I do? He’s stronger than me. This isn’t okay! Why would he do this to me? I don’t love him like this! I DON’T LOVE HIM LIKE THIS!” I feigned a startled awakening, and said in a sleepy voice, “What are you doing?” and he jerked away and pretended like nothing had happened. I told him I was tired, and moved over to the other side of the bed. I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night. It felt awful to be in the same bed with him but I knew there wasn’t anywhere else to sleep. If I moved to the floor, he would know that I knew and for some reason, I didn’t want him to know.

The next day was hard. All the friends from the night before woke up and we scrunched onto my brother’s balcony together, drinking coffee and talking. After a while they all left but my brother, his roommate and I and I told them what happened. I had never been so violated before in my life. I felt deeply embarrassed and hurt and sad.

When I got back to Graceland, I told a few close friends eventually and they expressed the appropriate anger, disgust and sadness for me. I received a facebook message from the guy who said sorry for keeping me up so late. I responded by telling him I could never trust him again and that I felt disappointed in him as a person. Luckily he had graduated the year before and I’ve only seen him three times since that night.

The end of this story is that I’m okay. I felt a lot of negative things for a short while and then didn’t anymore. My life is better when I let go of anger. Holding on to it might feel falsely good for a while, but ultimately, peace comes with forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes. This guy who treated me so disrespectfully, messed up but that mistake is his, not mine. I won’t make the mistake of harboring negativity and letting it infect other parts of my body like my heart and mind.

I write this in an effort to share all my life stories, not to beg pity or encouragement or admiration or anything else. I just want to share.