Beautiful Ukrainian Babe

I met this little boy over the summer.

His mother is a stripper.

I can't even imagine all the ways our lives will be different 

but despite these differences,

I hope most days...

he chooses to love.

 

we are all influenced...

Today I feel aware of the power external influences have on a person. Recently, I helped my younger brother with a paper for school and it spurred a discussion about how much of an influence community/family/all-people-in-general have on a person. I said, “What if I had been raised by wolves in a forest somewhere? Would I still have the same personality characteristics? Would I still have the same opinions? Would I even be similar to who I am now? What if I was born in India? South Africa? Ukraine? As an only child? A princess? An orphan? Who would I be? What makes me who I am?”

I don’t know that I have a direct answer to those questions but in my opinion, it is impossible for us to define ourselves without others having an inherent part of our definition. There are thousands of invisible people who influence every moment of our lives, from conception to death. Most things you have ever owned, wore, drove, or ate were designed, sewn, produced, or grown by someone else. Who you are and the way you live your life would be impossible without others.

The amount of influences beyond our control is innumerable, but there are also many that we choose. I would extend the common phrase, “You are what you eat.” To something like,  “You are what you read, wear, discuss, watch, care about, etc.” My father chooses Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, and Going Rogue by Sarah Palin. I choose CNN, Michael Moore, and Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. What exactly influences those choices? I could never list them all but I know it’s not a conscious effort to oppose my dad; it just feels like who I am.

I read books about all the cruel ways animals are treated and as a result, I’m a vegetarian. I have many friends who are openly gay and lesbian (as well as a few who are scared to publicly share that fact) and I speak frankly about the injustices done to them. I am part of a Buddhist sitting group, a Jewish Community Center and a Community of Christ church here in Buffalo and participate in all without conflict.

I went out of my way to attain the influence of some of these things (like the books I chose to read) and others kind of plopped into my lap but now, there’s no way to “un-do” the influence they’ve had on me and I like it that way. I believe my dad would say the same about his good friends, Rush and Sarah, and that’s okay by me. 

Progressive Painting!!

This is the beginning of something wonderful.

Can't you tell?

I started it a few months ago...

and maybe someday I'll finish it :)

a looong day

I ran seven consecutive miles yesterday! Believe it or not, I felt perfectly fine afterwards. I think it felt easier than expected because of those darn racquetball courts in the basement of our gym. Daily one-hour sessions of racquetball with Zach and three mile runs afterward definitely have worn me out but built up my endurance for a longer run.

Two hours after my run, I worked for 1 hour at the flower shop, then 8 hours at the restaurant (my first time as a hostess!), slept 5 hours and woke up at 5:30am to work my first 8 hours as hotel desk clerk. WOW! I have worked 16 of the last 24 hours, which is more than I worked the entire month of January. Don’t even begin to think I’m complaining because I loved it!

At Merge (the restaurant) there is energy, fun, and always something to do. At the hotel, there’s a group of really good people who work together and I can tell I fit. For me, having a close community is key and two jobs plug me into two great ones. I do realize it was only my first day at both places so…we’ll see how it goes.

On a different note, have you ever considered how you convey your life stories? What words do you choose? What character do you make yourself? I think the way you tell them says a lot about how you want people to see you… I mean, take this post: do I want you to think I’m super woman? Other things I’ve posted are wise and inspirational, Dalai Lama-like writings. Still others make me into a comedian!

Have I ever made myself the villain? Have I ever shared a flaw without smoothing over it with ten other talents afterward?

With this infernal internal drive to paint myself in all pretty colors, will anyone ever really see me?

Does anyone ever really see you?

Zach

I'm pretty sure

 in the course of my lifetime,

this will be one of the things I see the most.

giving and receiving

Sometimes I think I must have done something really good in a former life. Every single time I become disheartened with the state of the world and how many people make un-loving choices, some amazing act of love, generosity, or goodness catches my attention.

I stand in equal amounts of awe and gratitude for the people in my life. A woman I took only one class from my freshman year of college, burst spontaneously into tears when I saw her a last spring because of how much she loved me. A man gave me money for snow boots to survive the Buffalo winter because I couldn’t afford any myself. An entire cafeteria full of people started screaming like a flock of turkeys when I told them I had eloped last October. What did I do to deserve people who get so excited about my life?

The truth is I try really hard to love people. Words are empty without action and love is just a word until you embody it. I am my best self when I live like Love is my identity.

This week, love whispered in my ear and I nearly fell over in surprise! My heart is set on finding a job in Residence Life for this fall. I signed up for a job fair in Wisconsin but could only afford the registration fee, not the cost of plane tickets there and back, a hotel room for the weekend, or the professional apparel I need for it. I was planning on scrimping every penny from my newly acquired job to get me there until a few days ago, my college girlfriend asked me to let her pay for my plane tickets! Who does that?!?! I didn’t even tell her about it. Zach mentioned it and then she called me.

The next amazement came today when I found out another old friend from college is attending the same job fair and her Dad used his hotel points from his work to get us a free room! It feels like all the world is conspiring for my happiness and success!

Since being in Buffalo, I’ve attempted to become a long distance lover and stay close with many people, despite geographical differences. I can see that many people are doing the same and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Beauty in Diversity

This leaf astounds me.

Beauty isn't about perfection.

It's about all parts coming together to form the whole.

The beauty of one-ness.

expect payment for a second date

Last week I worked three days at a flower shop. This is the very first job I landed six months ago when I arrived in Buffalo but I quit after only a few weeks. For some reason I couldn’t stand to be left alone all day with the flowers, an ancient dog, and an average of one customer every few hours.

At the time my reasons for quitting were that I wanted a job that “fit me”, one where I actually interacted with people and where I didn’t feel like I was sitting around pedaling an exercise bike instead of flying down trails at break-neck speeds on a mountain bike, as has been my M.O. for the last few years. But, after many months of unemployment (and a stint in an even worse job), I came crawling back to my former employer who seemed only too happy to call me in a few days a week. This time around it wasn’t so bad dusting vases, cutting flowers and walking an old dog to the corner and back once an hour. It’s amazing how one’s perspective can change from negative to positive when you give it a little incentive, for example monthly college loan payments looming over ones head every month.

Now though, it seems that even the flower shop is behind me. On Thursday of last week, I sat around in a hotel lobby, flirting with an older woman for half an hour and she offered me a job afterwards! Some may call that an interview but, as I drove home I realized how similar it seemed to picking up someone at a bar. I mean, you introduce yourself, smile, say something funny about the weather, talk a little about yourself, smile some more, make sure to laugh at any attempt they make to be funny (even if it’s clearly not funny), answer all their questions and usually (if you’re a good flirt) you exchange numbers. Basically, you’re checking the other person out to see if they’re a good fit for you. Which is why, to prepare for an interview, I suggest you go speed dating! It’ll teach you how to quickly sell your most noteworthy attributes!

On the same day I had my interview, I dropped my resume off at a restaurant where Zach I have made some friends. The owner didn’t even make me fill out an application. She called me a few days later and now, believe it or not, I went from having no job to having three in the course of two weeks! What a luxury to be choosy about where I work.

The flower shop is history and I’m crossing all fingers and toes that I can finagle my schedules to work as both a waitress and a hotel desk clerk. It should be fine because one is for the night shift! Who needs sleep when you have Tim Horton as a friend; I hear his coffee is to die for!