What about the baby?

She comes in several days a week, sits at the bar, sometimes eats, but always drinks a large glass of red wine. Even though I brush past her with plates of food for tables all night when I’m serving, I’ve never spoken to her. All of our bartenders will serve her except for one and that is because she is about 7 or 8 months pregnant.

The things I know about her are very limited. She: used to work at the restaurant, accidentally got pregnant, decided to give it up for adoption, and apparently, doesn’t mind risking the physical and mental health of that baby by continually drinking during her pregnancy. That is honestly everything I know about her. I will admit I don’t know her at all but sometimes I feel very angry with her.

Something I’m proud of is the fact that I take the time to be self-aware. When I feel angry or sad, I try to evaluate the root of that feeling because it provides a better context for understanding situations. For example: I work with a girl who doesn’t split tables evenly and always ends up taking more than me. Not that big of a deal, I thought it might be accidental but then sometimes I also host, and she does this to other servers as well. Even taking tables that I’ve given to someone else!

Quite simply, my reaction was anger about this. But, upon self-evaluation it’s not because she makes more money than I do when we serve together but the root of my anger is the injustice of it. I like things to be fair. When I serve with her I talk myself out of anger saying, “If she asked for it, I would give her the twenty bucks more she’ll make tonight, so there’s no reason to be angry.” But with other people, I know they need the money just as much as her, so it bothers me more.

I recognize that when an unjust act occurs, irritated anger bubbles up within me and that is what happens when I see that pregnant woman who likes to drink at our bar. I’ve done research and most studies say that heavy drinking while pregnant is extremely dangerous for the baby but there have been almost no studies done on moderate drinking. According to the March of Dimes website,

“When a pregnant woman drinks, alcohol passes through the placenta to her fetus. In the fetus’s immature body, alcohol is broken down much more slowly than in an adult's body. As a result, the alcohol level of the baby's blood can be higher and remain elevated longer than the level in the mother's blood. This sometimes causes the baby to suffer lifelong damage.”

I’ve read pages of research on innumerable websites, heard a large amount of opinions on both sides, and learned a lot more than I knew about this issue before. It’s none of my business and I want to let it go but I can’t. I’m too selfish. I keep seeing her and feeling this bubbling anger and I want it to go away! I guess I’ve done all this research so I could convince myself that my anger is unreasonable and I should get over it. There are conclusive studies this woman must have found that say that moderate drinking is completely safe for the baby, right? She’s not risking it’s entire life on her own lack of self-control or care, is she?

Unfortunately, the research isn’t solid. There’s no way to know how badly the alcohol will affect the baby and to me, that is risking too much. If you decide to carry the baby that should include making healthy choices so it has a chance at a good life!

I feel like I only have two options: anger or apathy. Too bad the apathetic shoe has never fit my foot very well. Actually, I think I will add a third option and choose that: hope. The fate of the child whose mother sits at our bar several times a week is not within my control but I can be hopeful that it’s mother’s actions don’t affect it negatively. No matter how I choose to feel (angry, hopeful, sad etc), it won’t have any effect on this baby; the effect will be on me and hope is a lot easier on the insides.

For some reason I just let out an enormous sigh. There are so many sad things in the world that I let myself be deeply affected by. I feel like I've picked another one to add to my list of personal concerns.