Anger

I recently realized I have a lot in common with the tiny space heater in our apartment. We keep that little guy going 24 hours a day. Unfortunately, if we leave it on high, it only lasts for about 15 minutes before giving an audible "click" and shutting down. This feature is supposedly to prevent fires because it shuts down the heater when it overheats.

I realized my commonality with that heater a few weeks ago. In the pilates room of our gym, Zach tried to show me how to do this side-bendy, love handle muscle exercise. It proved to be extremely uncomfortable and difficult for me and when he criticized me for the last time; I gave up. I said, "Okay, I'm just ready to go. You can finish up, just come get me from the couch area when you're done."

For some reason, I never learned how to mask my emotions. When I feel something, giant bold letters scrawl it across my forehead. Zach, of course, can see these signs. He asked me to wait and said, "Hey, what's wrong? Obviously something has changed in the last few seconds. Are you upset? Please, tell me what it is." I told him I didn't want to talk about it but he insisted. So, we sat down on a bench for a few seconds in silence and then I explained how frustrating it was not to be able to do that exercise correctly, how uncomfortable it felt for me, how I felt like a big whiner, and that I just felt extremely exhausted and his criticisms weren't helping.

He apologized for everything but I knew it wasn't his fault. I knew I had put so much into the workout, I didn't have much energy left for patience. I apologized for being such a dummy. We both laughed and then stretched for a bit. I began thinking about what happened and I realized something important.

I don't get angry very often but when I do, it's very difficult for me to verbalize it. For me, anger is this horrible rush of emotion, like a fizzing bottle of soda, that I cap just before it explodes. I don't like to say or do things that will be hurtful to other people. I also don't like fighting. When you say something in anger, sometimes the person will speak back out of anger and things escalate.

I've learned that if I quell my anger in the moment, I can usually talk myself out of it later. I'll put myself in the other person's shoes, realize more fully the situation, and feel glad that I didn't say or do something hurtful. So, sometimes, subduing my anger is a good thing. The only bad thing is when I can't work through it and stay angry for awhile.

With Zach though, he isn't easily offended and won't respond to my anger with anger of his own. Even though I have this stupid, emergency shut off switch (just like our space heater) for when I get too hot with anger, he always wants to work through it. He wants to know what I'm feeling so that we can make it right immediately. And I'm okay with that.

I dated a guy once who had a shut-off switch too but it always triggered like five rows of barbed wire, a few locked steel doors, a couple trenches and a ten-foot thick brick wall to drop down around him. I had to beg, sometimes for hours, to get him to open up again. I don't know if I learned this behavior from him or if it's just me but I'm just glad that it's different with Zach. It's nice to not have to filter myself around him.