Decisions, Decisions...

Only once before in my life has something similar to this happened to me. Two years ago, I awoke at 4:30am from a terrible nightmare, my pillow was soaked with tears, and I couldn’t stop them from coming. My entire body pumped with a terrible anxious energy. After trying a few times to go back to sleep, I got up, put on my running shoes, and ran three consecutive 8-minute miles on the treadmill downstairs in the building where I lived. I felt like I was about to die afterwards but it was the only way I could think of to get that terrible energy out of my body and to stop thinking about my nightmare.

Today that happened again, except it wasn’t a nightmare: it was a really tough decision. My mind filled with, “What if?”s, and my body filled with this energy that popped me off the couch and paced me around the room. I put on my running shoes and walked to the gym. Since I started working crazy hours at two jobs two months ago, I’ve basically quit training all together but this was definitely a reason to end my descent into a sedimentary lifestyle.

Same as before, three consecutive 8-minute miles; then of course, lungs practically bleeding, stitches in both sides, legs about to collapse (man, I’m so out of shape!), I step off the treadmill. My mind had finally shut off at mile three and I felt much better…actually, no. My body definitely felt like crap. Funny thing is, the thing that brought me peace wasn’t the brutality I preformed on my body but the thought of writing out my thoughts. I began forming beginning paragraphs in my mind for this blog post (weird, I know) and I felt much better.

After running, I had to work dinner shift at the restaurant and then I hung out with my Zach for a while. At midnight, he fell asleep and I laid in bed for an hour awake. Awesome. Sometimes my mind is a terrible thing and the decision I made today certainly gave it a 15-hour energy drink.

So here’s what happened: Northern Michigan University called and basically offered me a position as a Resident Director.

Maybe this should’ve been an easy decision but I definitely put myself through the wringer over it. I don’t know why I made it so difficult…I absolutely loved Truman! I connected so well with the people and the campus/buildings are beautiful; the area feels like home and I already picture Zach and I there.

But…there’s all these other things that made Northern so appealing in the first place. Such as:

I would make the same amount of money but get 2 months off in the summer (or choose to work for about $4,000 extra dollars).

They have a Masters program I’m interested in and over half of their Resident Directors are full time grad students (while at Truman, I don’t think any are and they don’t have the program I want)

Tuition is 100% covered (while at Truman it’s just 75% covered)

Zach and I (and Bo if he comes) would all get free laptops (only I get one at Truman)

Bo is already accepted, has received financial aid, and feels excited about Northern (where as he hesitates about Truman and hasn't even fully applied)

Northern is in a sweet town on a beautiful lake with TONS of outdoorsy things to do (while Truman’s geographical location isn’t nearly as breathtaking)

And that's mostly it...

Anyways, I called Northern back and turned them down. Immediately afterwards I cried. Then I consulted my oracle and ran three miles of bubbling, terrible energy out of myself.

It comes down too this: if I pretend they are both monetarily equal, they have the same geographical attributes, that Bo will attend either one I choose, ignore the obligation to the one I already committed to (basically when I take away all confounding factors) and focus on closing my eyes and picturing myself at either place: Truman wins.

When I pictured myself at Northern, first I was rollerblading on a trail beside the lake. Next I was rock climbing in their rec. center with Bo and Zach. When I pictured myself at Truman, I was leading a group of my residents down the hill from our building to compete in some tournament (we were all painted up for some reason). The second time I was in my office there, talking to a few students.

I have no idea how a person is supposed to make a decision like this. Zach was no help at all. He said he knew we would be happy either place so it didn’t matter. Gosh! So, it comes down to the pictures I paint in my own head of my future. I think it’s important that I’m excited about my job at Truman, instead of more excited about extra-curricular activities (like at Northern).

So, there you have it. We're (still) going to Truman and (still) very excited! I just need to not play the “What if” game anymore. It produces way too much angst, uncertainty, and negative energy!