Anyway, I thought that fear was gone from my life last summer, but it returned when I moved here. When people asked where Zach and I came from, we told them about our transition from Oregon, to Iowa for school, then to Buffalo for a year. Almost always they asked why we went to Buffalo and the answer to that query is that Zach got a job as a youth minister there. People then made a lot of incorrect assumptions about us. I've never had so many invitations to church before. All those invitations and assumptions caged me in again. I felt afraid to share the deeper parts of myself, like what I really think and believe.
Thankfully I broke through. After living here a month, I shared with my colleagues that I'm probably more Buddhist than anything. Freedom! I can't even explain how good it felt to not have that part of myself as a secret anymore.
I struggled again when it came to the student staff here in the building I'm in charge of. Most of them are actively Christian. I don't want to threaten them with my alternative beliefs but I also want to be sincere. When you work in Residence Life, it's different than sitting next to people in cubicles. My job is to support my staff, through personal and academic issues, and aid them in supporting their residents in whatever issues they have. It gets personal and there's no way around that. I wouldn't want to go around it anyway. I think being personal is what's real. I don't want imaginary brick walls around each person that sensor what's safe and acceptable to share with others.
I've realized that this is a year of listening. It's not about telling my stories and explaining what I believe. I want to be a quiet creek that people can sing their life songs to, without some boombox sitting on a rock, blaring, and competing for sound space.
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