The Attraction Vibe

I won the title of "Woman of the Year" my freshman year of college. It's actually kind of embarrassing to admit that now because it was only recognition of what a big flirt I was. Closson Hall (a floor of about 70 men in an all male building) chose a "Woman of the Week" to serenade and present a rose to every Tuesday. I won that several times and then, won the whole year title.

Having been a chubby, mortifyingly shy girl most of my life, I finally began growing into my own skin my last year of high school and when college rolled around, I felt more confident than I'd ever been. That first semester I spent more time in the all male residence halls than I did in my own all female building. I remember shamelessly wrestling in the hallway, bravely instigating licking fights and prank wars, and making eyes at a dozen different guys. I was a HUGE flirt but it was all innocent. I had no follow through. I dated one guy for a month (my first boyfriend!) and kissing was as far as we went. I just loved the attention; that "I'm attracted to you" energy you get from guys made me feel really good about myself. 

I wasn't serious about any of it. I didn't see clearly who I was or the reasons I acted the way I did back then. I know that I tread on several hearts as a self-centered, self-esteem boost junkie. Maybe I'm still something similar to that but I just realized the absence of my flirtaciousness. A few days ago I realized that attraction energy makes me angry now.

We hadn't done laundry in a few weeks and I didn't have anything black to wear for my shift at the restaurant. Well, except for a short cocktail dress that I wore when I sang at my friend's wedding. Even my tights and leggings had traces of boric acid on them (stupid ants!) so I went bare legged and boy, was that an uncomfortable night of work. My co-worker Sam greeted me with, "Well, hello legs!" Which of course, was a great start. I definitely got that same reaction from at least two different guys throughout the evening and it made me want to yell in their faces, "STOP LOOKING AT ME!?!?!!! I'm not interested, thank you!" I don't want anybody wanting my legs but Zach!

One of the lovely ladies I work with dishes out that, "I'm attracted to you" energy to just about every even slightly attractive guy within ten feet of her. The bartender, the men who drink at the bar, the chefs, and of course the male customers, all get a fair amount of her playful smiles, suggestive comments and the lucky ones get a least a few sexual innuendos. She's a gorgeous single girl, so why not?

For me, it's an extremely interesting thing to observe. The way she interacts with all of them reminds me of how done I am with that whole scene. Of course it was fun at the time, but I'm so over it now. There is a woman in my life (whose identity I cannot share without being extremely disrespectful) who is married, has three children, and yet she has not lost that love for flirting. Ever since I've known her she has laid it on thick with everyone from a random male waiter, the cashier at the grocery store, to the fathers of my childhood friends. As a younger person, I felt very angry about this (and especially that parts when it went farther than just flirting) but now, I able to observe in a detached, non-emotional way. Mainly, I wonder why things changed with me when I married Zach and why they didn't change for her?

It's really nice to be where I'm at with my best friend. Whenever I put out that "I'm attracted to you" energy, Zach giggles like a little school girl. It's nice to be the woman of his life, which is a title I value much more than any stupid thing I won in college.