Confession

I was walking to work and beating myself up about eating a cookie and not making myself work out today. Yes, that is as lame as it sounds. 

Sometimes I give myself the opposite of a pep-talk and belittle myself for not having enough self-discipline or self-control. During the midst of my bash-fest, I had a revelation. When I talk down to myself it's like I'm shredding this beautiful tapestry that hangs inside my chest. I'm sacrificing something much more important (my mental health) for something definitely not as important (the appearance of my physical body). I am not this body. Why do I let myself care more about this body than my beautiful true self? Why do I slash at my self-esteem, stab my confidence, and demolish my sense of self-worth in an attempt to force myself to eat better and exercise so I will be "more beautiful"? 

Yes, physical health is important but, according to Joe at the Jewish Community Center gym, I only have 18.7% body fat. That's three percent less than when we moved here. I am definitely healthier than I was but for some stupid reason, I want to be skinnier. I could blame society but I want to take ownership for this. Honestly, I don't want to be that stick figure of a girl with bitty arms and legs, who can't climb mountains or win my brothers in wrestling. I don't want to be that model-thin girl but I do think she's beautiful. I want to fit into my own definition of beauty. No, I want my definition of beauty to change and fit me. The media and fashion experts aren't the only ones who get to define beauty.

I love running, rollerblading, racquetball-ing, volleyball-ing, football-ing, tag-playing, hiking, canoeing, and a multitude of other active things but I want them to remain things I do because I love them, not because I need to change the shape of my body to be beautiful. I would rather be strong than beautiful any day but it's my life and I don't think I need to choose. I want to be both.

Most days I feel great about everything I am. I love this person that I get to be everyday. This is the truth! Sadly, some days (usually around that time of the month) I decide to care about stupid things and talk to myself in a way I would never talk to anyone else because it would be so rude and hurtful. I don't want to hurt myself with negative thinking anymore. Hopefully, now that I'm aware of it, I won't anymore.

Confessing these things is so freeing. I feel like it's a step toward healing the wounds I've caused myself and not inflicting anymore in the future. I hope the women (and men) in my life can be gracious and understanding with themselves in a way that I am only just learning how to be.