Topics ranging from practical jokes to abortion and from feminism to family have been thoroughly discussed during our morning English conversations so far. It’s amazing how quickly you get to know people when you spend 4 to 6 hours a day talking to them! During the evenings, Ephim (the man who is coordinating our stay here) has assigned more religious themes and I’ll admit I felt nervous about our first couple.

The reason I felt nervous about this is because I didn’t know what to expect or if it would be a safe place to share what I really thought. Here’s the deal: I’m not a great debater. Some people get all riled up about controversial things and relish a good argument/discussion. I, on the other hand, would just rather share my opinion and listen to the opinions of others. I would gladly skip the drama of people trying to convince everybody else they are wrong.

Turns out, my small fears sprouted and withered all in one day because they didn’t have fertile soil to take root. These young men are so open-minded and respectful. Today during our discussion about other religions, I shared about the Buddhist book I’m reading and the meditation I did on the beach to expand my love. One of the guys shared a Sufi story about many different people were climbing a mountain, some seeing desert, others green forests, and still others snow. In the end though, despite how differently they had seen the journey, they all ended up at the same place. I love this story!

Another guy shared that he thinks Islam and Christianity are equal. Zo expanded on this with some things she learned in a religion class. Basically she explained that Christianity was a like a re-mix of Judaism with some extra verses and Islam did the same to Christianity. All three religions are different versions of the same original song, so what’s the big fuss and why all the conflict??!!

As the discussion went on, they asked us what it was like in our home congregations and I told a story that made me cry. One Christmas break, I shared a testimony at church about how many new questions I had and that I didn’t know what to believe anymore. It was a difficult thing to share because before I left, I had been so solid in my beliefs and the things they had taught me growing up. I felt like I was letting them down but I was just trying to be sincere.

After church, a woman pulled me aside and said, “You really scared me in there. I just kept thinking, ‘That’s not Allie. That’s not Allie.’ You need to remember who you used to be and be that person again.” I can’t un-see the things I’ve seen! I can’t un-know the things I know! I can’t un-experience the things I’ve experienced! And no, I can’t be who I used to be before.

I cried for a few hours about what that woman said to me because it affirmed the feeling that had been creeping at the edges of my mind for months. I didn’t fit anymore! I didn’t fit with the people that had loved me the most my entire life!

How beautiful that today, surrounded by these no-longer strangers, I found a place where I fit again within the church. In the US, I’ve collected a group of friends with whom I fit and feel safe. But being here has made me realize that my place in the church isn’t a small corner in the back of a storeroom…I no longer have to wedge myself into the back row: yearning just to be close to my loving community and hoping that nobody notices my skin is blue and theirs is yellow. No! There’s a place for me, even bigger than I imagined!

Today, I realized I’ve been colorblind. So scared of the drastic change in my own skin that I didn’t notice the real colors around me.