Friday, March 25, 2011

body image

I started doing a workout program called "Insanity". It's not as bad as the one called "P90X" by the same company. With this one I can actually get through all 30 or 40 minutes of it instead of stopping midway through because my body is shaking uncontrollably.

I've done it for a week and a half now. I skipped yesterday because my back felt like somebody sliced my muscles into strips, tied them in knots, and then placed them back into their original places. We'll see how things go today. Even though I'm sore, I feel stronger and that feels good.

I catch myself wanting to look like the women in my Women's Health magazine. Then I think, "To look like that, she probably has to work out five hours a day and never eat anything. She's a model, her job is to make her body look perfect." I don't want that to be my job.

I don't want to be some turtle who spends her whole life painting her shell. Or a tiger that spends hours dyeing, trimming, and styling her striped coat. Or a fish who endlessly shines her scales. That sounds stupid.

I have convinced myself that I work-out to feel and be strong, but sometimes I wonder... Is that the real reason?

When I was in high school, I tried a bunch of diets. I tried eating puffed rice cereal and nothing else for two weeks (which made me as lethargic as a sloth). I tried the Atkins, low carb, eat-as-much-meat-cheese-and-high-cholesterol-foods-as-you-want diet. I tried not eating any sugar. I tried not eating any fat. It wasn't until I: went to college, escaped all the junk food at home, started playing intramural sports, and became active that a healthy change occurred in my body.

A month ago my friend Kacey (who is also a Hall Director) was talking about all the college women she sees who have bad self esteem, all the women who truly believe terrible things about themselves. She told me she's asked a few of them, "Who convinced you that you're not beautiful or strong or capable?" I wonder that myself.

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