falling aslee...

I remember falling asleep in my 7:25am Chemistry class in High School frequently. In review of my notes, they always started out meticulous: each concept articulated well and every word perfectly formed. You could tell when the first wave of sleepiness hit because the quality of my handwriting always went first; then the ideas became more abstract, I started leaving out a few words, and the last few lines were more squiggles than sentences. My favorite part was when the pencil would start drifting down the page in the middle of a word. That faded pencil mark was visual evidence of the moment that unconsciousness overwhelmed me.

This is the way I feel about my spirituality.
My beginning was structured.
Meticulous.
Disciplined.

I took copious quantities of notes,
studied diligently,
prayed fervently,
believed wholeheartedly.

And then the first wave hit,
then another
and more after that.

Was it doubt?
Was it open-mindedness?

I feel as if I've told this story over and over.
That's because I have.
I've been reviewing the same notes.
Reflecting on all the same sad moments of my shattered faith.
looking at faded photographs of my former self...

I fell asleep!

I am conscious of my unconsciousness.
I am living 100% in the physical world.
And this is okay.

But someday it will be different.